Perfectionism rates steadily increased over recent decades, and our culture is now obsessed: the perfect body, job, partner, vacation…the perfect life. We believe others demand more of us and we demand more of others and ourselves.

Nowhere is this more obvious than weddings.

After 25 years researching this topic (and more than 100 publications), I take particular interest in cultural trends that encourage perfectionism — and weddings take the cake.

Pursuing perfection

Most weddings have some common elements: two people, often dressed in some combination of white dress and/or nice suit, exchange vows and rings. But now, in the age of social media and the wedding industry, the wedding must have an aesthetic. The reception must be themed, the ceremony color co-ordinated, and above all: it. must. be. perfect.

Pinterest inspiration boards set the tone and Instagram photos set the standard. Perfection is the tale and social media the teller. Where’s the romance?

Many perfectionists are sensitive to rank, status, and dominance in social groups, which drives envy, jealousy and a desire to best others and turns everything into a competition. Weddings are a major milestone that change or reinforce social status; as such, people seek perfection to ridiculous extremes. Minute details are fussed over to the exclusion of what should really matter: the love that brought everyone together in the first place.

How can you have a beautiful, romantic, special day without falling into the trap of relentlessly pursuing perfection? Well, you forget perfection and focus on people.

Must Read

I do…not: Wedding trends people are sick of seeing

Pressure from other people

There is immense pressure to plan a party that pleases staid family members and adventurous friends alike. Socially prescribed perfectionism is the belief that society, family, and friends have unrealistic expectations of perfection of you.

If your mother is in tears because you’re questioning a religious ceremony, ask yourself these three things:

1. What are our values? Figure out what you value and translate those values into actions. If you and your partner want to interact with each guest, invite only your nearest and dearest. If you’re environmentally conscious, swap disposable decorations for in-season florals. Are you animal lovers? Ask guests to donate to your choice of charity instead of buying a gift. If you make your wedding a reflection of your values, then you’re less likely to view it as a “failure” if it doesn’t conform to others’ expectations, as perfectionists often do.
   
2. What do we want? Striving for perfection is costly. There is pressure to spend on the perfect rings, fancy paper invitations, a tropical honeymoon, and more. The wedding industry capitalizes on these expectations, turning weddings into major investments costing an average of $22,000 to $30,000. These “ideals” aren’t feasible for every budget. These are wants, not needs, so allocate your funds where you want them to go. A courthouse wedding, grocery store flowers, and a potluck dinner with friends can be just as special. Perfectionists can wrap their esteem and identity up in things, until “junk values” like consumerism dominate. The point is to celebrate, not spend money pleasing others, so don’t feel pressured to go into debt.
   
3. How do we grow? Too often, couples fall into the trap of “destiny.” The problem with this “perfect match” mindset is it’s too easy to say “I guess it wasn’t meant to be” when things get tough. Disney movies and romance novels entrenched fairy-tale endings into popular culture, but life doesn’t end with a wedding. Both during and after the wedding, you’ll face challenges and disagreements. If you focus on growing together as you plan your wedding and beyond, you’re less likely to catastrophize — as many perfectionists do — when things (or your partner) aren’t perfect.

Pressure you put on others

You agonize over orchestrating the perfect day, and then your sister’s baby bawls during the ceremony and Uncle Johnny gets drunk and makes rude jokes during the reception. When stakes seem high, you can end up demanding perfection from others, known as other-oriented perfectionism. If they fail to be perfect, that’s when bridezillas, groomzillas or monsters-in-law can emerge.

When something inevitably goes wrong, remember these three things:

1. Right partner versus right wedding. Weddings are meant to celebrate love. At the end of the day, you go home with your new spouse regardless of whether the wedding meets your expectations. This is just one day of the rest of your lives, so what’s more important? Having the right wedding or having and being the right partner? Focusing on each other, instead of the event, means others’ behavior won’t feel world-ending because it’s not affecting your relationship.
   
2. Focus on relationships. You’ve invited your guests to share in a special moment in your life. Is it then more important that the wedding party looks fit for Vogue or that you have your best friends to support you? Perfectionists don’t play nicely with others because they’re more concerned with others’ performance than the people themselves. For example, a perfectionist might care more about whether their mother’s speech evokes the “right” reactions from the crowd than how she’s feeling about this milestone in your life. If you prioritize your loved ones, the day becomes about connecting with them rather than ensuring they’re playing their part perfectly.
   
3. Mistakes are normal. Everyone makes mistakes. Your dad will trip on your train. Your groomsman will make an awkward speech. Your dinner will be late. It happens. If you, like perfectionists, are excessively concerned with making mistakes, then avoiding them monopolizes the event. Breathe and laugh it off.

Pressure you put on yourself

There can be a lot of pressure to look perfect on your wedding day. It’s common for brides to diet, invest in teeth whitening and skin-care regimes before their wedding, and hire makeup artists for the event. Grooms may feel pressure to get fitter.

This feeds self-oriented perfectionism (demanding perfection of oneself) and perfectionistic self-presentation (presenting yourself as perfect and hiding or denying flaws).

It can be hard to feel confident if you don’t think you meet these expectations, but try to keep these three things in mind:

1. Perfection is a myth. No one, and nothing, is perfect. There will undoubtedly be “flaws” somewhere. Maybe you stress-sweat. Maybe you stutter during your vows. These are the things you remember fondly. It’s often the “imperfections” that make your memories — and your wedding — perfect. Reminding yourself that perfection is an unrealistic, and even undesirable, standard can keep you from striving for it.
   
2. It’s not a competition. You and the couple down the street have very different interests, relationships, and values. Their elaborate, 300-guest wedding may have been right for them. They may not understand your desire to have an intimate 50-attendee affair instead, but that doesn’t matter. Both weddings are uniquely beautiful. You want to make memories, not a statement. Despite what perfectionistic thinking might tell you, your wedding isn’t a failure and this isn’t a competition.
   
3. You are loved. You might not look like the model did in your gown or suit. That’s okay. Perfectionists are prone to feelings of failure, guilt, shame, and low self-esteem because of their harsh self-evaluations and criticisms. However, your partner fell in love with you with the freckles and goofy laugh. You may become more fit or afford a more flattering outfit in the years to come, but that shouldn’t ruin your enjoyment of this moment. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

It is, after all, your special day, not your perfect day. – The Conversation|Rappler.com

Simon Sherry is a Clinical Psychologist and Professor in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience, Dalhousie University.

This piece was originally published in The Conversation.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Hi Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

Me and my partner have a slight incompatibility when it comes to sex. I have a high sex drive while hers is the opposite. It probably has to do with some trauma that she had before, having undergone sexual abuse and harassment.

As a partner should, I am understanding when she declines to do the deed; if she doesn’t feel like it. It goes without saying that sex should not be given out of obligation and both parties should be willing and looking forward to it. Having “duty” sex is not healthy and morally questionable since it satisfies one at the expense of the other.

I end up masturbating often since I need to satisfy my drive. She found out and became upset about me satisfying myself. 

Am I in the wrong here? Do I not have the right to do with my body as I please? Aren’t we supposed to believe in the phrase, “My body, my choice?”

Adam

Dear Adam,

“My body, my choice” originated as a feminist slogan and shorthand for a woman’s right to self-determination over her body, specifically covering choices in such areas as marriage, reproductive, and sexual matters. It has famously been employed in battles over birth control, abortion, and more recently by anti-vaxxers.

However, it is not universally accepted by any means (abortion and homosexuality are criminal offenses in many countries, certain drugs are likewise illegal, etc.) and should be viewed as a moral choice, not a legal right.

Your decision to invoke this slogan in your current predicament is, I fear, a red herring. The argument with your wife (let’s call her Alma) is not about your right to bodily autonomy but whether your choice of masturbation is appropriate in the context of your marriage. You do not tell us the grounds upon which Alma opposes masturbation, but let’s proceed at least on the basis that it is not religious; if it were, you would be consulting a spiritual or religious person.

Perhaps Alma opposes your choice because it in some way offends her notion of marriage. Perhaps she sees sex within marriage as being exclusively between husband and wife, in which case an imbalance between sex drives can only be addressed either by abstinence, in your case or what you call “duty” sex on hers. Alternatively, or perhaps in addition, the past trauma in her life that you allude to may play an important role here.

What seems crucial, whatever the reasons for her stance, is that you discuss the issue openly and fully so that you both understand each other’s position and can manage jointly to find a way forward that accommodates both parties. If trauma is indeed a factor, it needs to be addressed, not ignored and left to fester.

Communication is key if you wish to resolve this. Forget grandiloquent slogans and pseudo-moralistic posturing, and instead try to uncover the real basis of your differences. Only then can you explore the way forward to a common position that meets the needs of both of you.

All the best,
JAFBaer

Dear Adam:

Thank you very much for your letter.  I agree with Mr. Baer that “communication is the key,” but I disagree with practically everything else he wrote. First, his false dichotomy that: “(This) is not about your right to bodily autonomy but whether your choice of masturbation is appropriate in the context of your marriage.”

I also strongly disagree that, by evoking “my body, my choice” you employed “pseudo-moralistic posturing.” It is true that this saying originated as a feminist slogan but it doesn’t have to stay that way. That is one of the beauties of a living language. It does not remain static but grows, expands. There is absolutely no reason it should not grow to include everyone, no matter his sexual orientation, drive, sexual identity, etc. In fact, in my opinion, it is lovely that you see it as inclusive, emphasizing that what feminists want is not special treatment but basic human rights everyone is entitled to.

Its only limitation is that your choices should not impinge on another person’s human rights; if it doesn’t, then go! 

Masturbating in the privacy of one’s bedroom/bathroom, etc. is perfectly ok. Asking Alma to cheer or even merely listen to your moans as you near orgasm is not. 

I hope Alma heals from her trauma in the best way possible. It’s wonderful that you support her every way you can, while realizing it is not your job to be her therapist. Indeed, part of healing would be the ability to discriminate between her sexual abuse and others’ healthy sexual desires that require nothing from her.  

Since I cannot believe that Mr. Baer could really be that insensitive, I have asked him to exercise his right of rebuttal.  

Best wishes, dearest Adam,
MG Holmes

CLARIFICATION: When I allude to pseudo-moralistic posturing, I do not mean to impugn the sentiment, but merely suggest that this whole argument is irrelevant and distracts from the main issue: why does Alma oppose this seemingly simple solution to the imbalance of sex drives within the marriage, and how do you deal with that? 

JAFBaer

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am very much outside my parents’ opinion of what is acceptable to society and the Catholic church. I have tattoos, colored hair, and progressive, non-religious views.

We fight about appearance, being grateful or not for a job, etc. We even had a huge fight where they blamed me for the sexual assault I’d undergone because I’d insisted on a solo trip and was an “easy target” because of my bright hair. As you can imagine, it is exhausting.

I feel a lot of guilt. I objectively know that there is nothing wrong with expressing individuality and sexual assault is never a woman’s fault. However, I am compelled to constantly ask for permission, have to fight a self-imposed curfew, and am a practicing non-religious. I am also a 35-year-old woman living on her own (on weekdays).

I lie about sleeping at my fiancé’s place, smoking and drinking, and skipping the nightly prayer video call.  After this, I feel intense guilt that causes me to be extremely bothered. My therapist also tells me my excessive daydreaming of various scenarios about vindication has become maladaptive because it takes up a lot of my time and mental energy.

I am getting married soon. My mother said that she hopes my fiancé will join us in our nightly prayer and both of them expect me to continue going back “home” on weekends like now. It came to the point where I am doubting whether I am marrying my kind, understanding, and supportive fiancé just to escape.

I love them and cannot cut contact. I know they were just born in a different time and had a different upbringing. They always say that they just don’t want me to forget the values that they taught me as a child and the teachings of the church. While I understand, I don’t agree with both their version of societal norms and the rituals of their dogma.

I want to live my life my way even if they tell me it’s selfish. But how do I get over the guilt?

Dreading the future and suffering the present,
Donna

————————-

Dear Donna,

You are currently caught between a rock and a hard place, between your parents’ views of who you should be and your view of who you actually are, and there is no sign that either side will compromise. Yet you love them and to keep the peace you have resorted to the stratagem of lying about some of your life and the guilt is weighing heavily on you. 

Perhaps a way forward is first to reframe the current impasse. Although your parents espouse values which you do not share, they have chosen to continue to preach them to you rather than doubling down and becoming more intransigent, say, by disowning you. They have therefore shown enough flexibility to keep the relationship alive, perhaps nominally disguising it as not abandoning the hope of converting a sinner. Ask yourself therefore if they therefore actually tacitly accepting you for who you are.

To deal with the guilt, you could possibly start being more open about the major points of contention. Your parents’ views are probably not mere facsimiles of the views of their own parents and grandparents, so you can legitimately argue that you should not be expected to ape theirs but instead be your own person. Your success and happiness in life, marriage, work, etc. should not be determined by their hopes, ambitions, and vision, but by yours.

Perhaps you can slowly start to eliminate the lies, monitoring their reactions carefully to ensure that the relationship is kept intact. Marriage to a kind, understanding, and supportive man will not only legitimize sleeping over but with his help bolster your efforts to be your own vibrant self rather than a pallid reflection of your parents’ aspirations.

Must Read

[Two Pronged] Advice for a daughter who badly wants to connect with her elderly parents

Dear Donna:

Thank you very much for your letter, and for summing up your dilemma in your penultimate sentence: “I want to live my life my way…but how do I get over the guilt?” It sounds like extreme guilt is your major problem; guilt because you lie so you do not hurt your parents’ feelings.

But first, congratulations for already starting to live your life your way by looking the way you want to, doing things they wish you wouldn’t, and skipping the nightly prayer video. It sounds like they are not as careful about your feelings as you are about theirs. I am so sorry about your sexual assault, and happy you know this is never a woman’s fault. It is perplexing how anyone who loved you could blame you for it, rather than taking you in their arms, trying to soothe you as best they can, and telling you they loved you. And if you asked them if they thought you had brought this on yourself? They should not lie, but gently, gently…

No one can ever have a truly deep, emotionally intimate relationship without self disclosure about who you truly are, what you truly feel and do, what you want to be. I presume this is what your parents want to have with you. This is probably why they want you not to forget the values they taught you as a child, etc.

I believe that good parents give you both roots and wings, roots to stabilize you and wings so you can take off on your own. Your parents may have been FANTASTIC when you were small, but they failed the test of good parenthood when you reached the age when thinking for yourself became appropriate.  Nevertheless, it’s not too late and this, indeed, is the time para ipalaki mo na ang iyong mga magulang ( for you to educate your parents). 

You have a great way with words (I love your sign-off: “Dreading the future and suffering the present”) so, in your own unparalleled style, could you start sharing the following with them:

1. “I love you both, but that does not mean I have to follow what you think, say, and even pray for. I am 35 and it is a testament to your good parenting that I now listen to and think for myself…which means that, sometimes, I disagree with you.” (You might want to include what Mr. Baer said in his third paragraph about how views change with each generation.)

2. “Now it is up to you to decide what kind of relationship you want with me. It can be extremely pleasant, but one where talk is limited to the weather, politics, the price of onions. Or, it can sometimes be fraught, BUT we will be real with one another and share what we truly think and feel.  You will get to know who I really am. I want you to know the real me, because if not these visits to you will be come tedious.”

3. “I disagree with some of the values you taught me, I am not even sure if we share the same view of who God is in our lives. I will live my life the way I see fit; sorry if you think I am being selfish. If you continue to say only that, and I continue to argue with you, our conversations will never move forward and even you will hope we never speak to each other again.”

4. “We will still spend time together, but it is your choice: will it be lovely, but superficial and totally predictable, or honest to goodness, with occasional disagreements, but with our getting to truly know each other?”

Sharing all the above will be difficult, especially since appeasing will no longer be a strategy. You might want to look at to this way: Yehey! No longer any guilt for lying! However, if your guilt for hurting them increases, please know that this is merely a function of their willingness to emotionally blackmail you.

I don’t believe in everything the Bible says, but I do believe in this one phrase from John 8:32: “The truth SHALL set you free,” dearest Donna.  

All the very best and would love to hear from you again,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Mr. Baer and Dr. Holmes,

Here is my dilemma: I have fallen in love with my boss. I developed this feeling after years of working with him. I never expected to feel this way as I have never developed feelings for my colleagues in all other organizations I’ve worked with. For the most part of our relationship, we were purely professional.

He is fun to be with and very intelligent. I enjoy being with him. On rare occasions he can be very sweet. To my horror, I started having this distinct feeling that I know to be romantic love. I think about him a lot. My work is centered on pleasing him more than anything. I would also feel some jealousy, and I know this is not related to work.

I am not delusional enough to expect that our relationship would move further into a more personal and romantic one. I totally get it. I also would not risk my career by pursuing a relationship with him. 

I had resolved within myself that I would just love him from the sidelines and just please him with good work, hoping this will just go away. However, while this feeling results in me being extra good at my job most of the time, it also sometimes adversely affects it, especially if jealousy is involved or if I am having a problem with him.

My feelings are now so intense that I am already thinking of quitting and moving on. However, I am seriously entertaining this idea of confessing my feelings when I leave the company, though if I do this, I will be ready for possible rejection. I just want to let him know. Would this be okay? I read somewhere that this is not advisable because this might burn bridges.

I am totally emotional. I have never felt a romantic feeling as intense as this. Is there a way for me to manage these feelings more effectively while he is still my boss? Thank you.

Cora

Dear Cora,

Thank you for your email.

You have presented a comprehensive analysis of your situation and your options. You have now reached the point where you are contemplating leaving your job, and then it is a question of whether you reveal your feelings. You mention advice about burning bridges, but are there any to burn once you quit? Frankly, if you leave and then never tell your boss how you feel, there is no hope whatsoever of any relationship developing and you will never know what might have been.

If however you do then tell him, you will find out if he too has been holding back because you were work colleagues. You say you are ready for possible rejection, so you will be prepared if your feelings are not reciprocated. There therefore appears to be no downside in opening up to him once he is no longer your boss.

As for managing your feelings while you are still working for him, stick to what works. Just being extra good at your job has been a winning strategy to date, so simply continue until he becomes your ex-boss.

Best of luck,
JAFBaer

Must Read

[Two Pronged] In love with my married boss… and my boyfriend

Dear Cora:

Thank you very much for your letter. Because of space constraints and also because of Mr. Baer’s letter above, I feel going straight to your questions will be all right. You asked two:

1. Would it be okay to tell the boss how I feel?

Before I answer this question, there are two issues you have to deal with. The first is for you to find out if what you feel is really unrequited love (UL), which is how you describe your feelings for him, or mere infatuation.   

A good way to decide between the two is to ask yourself how you feel for him. If you feel “I love you because I need you” describes your love better than “I need you because I love you,” then Erich Fromm (and I) describe this as immature love (infatuation). If, however, the opposite is true, then Fromm (and I) feel it’s mature love. If you are merely infatuated, best not to tell him because once you do, it will affect him on several levels, and it would be cruel to do so simply because of infatuation.

In my personal opinion, even if you truly, maturely love him, it is also better not to tell him if he is married. This, of course, depends on your sense of values; admittedly, mine have become more conservative where marriage is concerned. If he is married and has not said or behaved in any way suggesting he is unhappy (or even if he is but wants to keep his marriage), telling him would discombobulate him at some level. Unless, of course, he is a sociopath. Unlikely, given your description. Research has shown that UL becomes a burden not only for the person experiencing it, but also for the recipient, if he knows.  

2. You also ask, is there a way for me to manage these feelings more?”  

National Certified Counselor Kayce Bragg suggests the following: keeping busy, maintaining a solid support network, and learning to love yourself can help. If you’re having a hard time getting over unrequited love, you may consider working with a mental health professional or writing to Two Pronged, which gives excellent advice (last bit my words, not hers 😊 )!

Personally, I find humor very helpful. Alas, in this case laughing at yourself (but only till you get strong enough that you can — you are not a martyr, after all) and also laughing at the situation.

Happily, I am not the only one who does so. Greve, W. (et al.) in “Humorous Coping With Unrequited Love: Is Perspective Change Important?” in the science journal Frontiers of Psychology Volume 12 (2021) wrote that “a large body of research indicates a positive relationship between humor and psychological well-being” and adds that “a strong sense of humor is associated with, for example, a more positive self-concept and self-esteem as well as higher life satisfaction.”

I agree entirely. In the end, if you have well-being, life satisfaction, and self-esteem, you have a whole lot going for you, UL or not, diba? 

All the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I, 25, survived an unexpected violent attack by my now ex-partner, 23, also female, before Valentines, during our Baguio City vacation. I am contemplating if I should be bisexual or straight because women-to-women (w2w) relationships have burnt me out.

Socially, I am somewhat masculine presenting; roles such as courting my partner and financially supporting her are what is expected of me. She was the “femme.” We met online and clicked. I pursued her; she was intelligent, practical, and firm.

After a year she said “yes,” but we only lasted five months because of what happened. I was left with bruises on my body, even a bruised eye. This was a red-flag for my healing post-op; I just had cataract surgery three months prior. She initially said “I can’t say sorry for something I don’t remember happening.”

She was drunk when it happened. After two weeks, she dumped me to “heal herself,” only to find out she started dating again afterwards. In time, she explained that she had her traumas: a broken family, abused, born out of wedlock, messy relationships.

This incident that happened to me where she lashed out was because she was afraid of her stepmom coming home from the States, as she anticipates being kicked out of the house once she does.

When I talk to her online, I didn’t know that her little “Netflix nights” involved her drinking a lot of alcohol, but she proudly insisted she was highly tolerant – could that even be true? 

As the relationship ended, I was told by her siblings that both her parents were dealing with alcohol and temper problems. I don’t drink alcohol because of my allergies and have never attempted to be insanely drunk.

I knew I had to be mindful and conscientious of her healing. I was at my most resilient because I knew I was the only one who had her back most of the time. Sometimes I felt micro-aggressions: rough play and biting. Outbursts became the norm; breaking up was always her go-to when things became difficult. She was proud of her dominant personality and how submissive I seemed.

Maybe because I loved her and was a psych major, I had sit-downs with her from time to time. Yet, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was trying to be right for her, but not for me. 

When the Baguio vacation happened, I never saw the woman I loved again. Either she had a 180-degree personality change or her true personality came out.

Now, I wonder about dating men or other queer people: trans, etc. I am contemplating if I should be bisexual or straight because w2w relationships have burnt me out. Should I believe there is goodness in the dating pool of women?   

Emma

———————————

Dear Emma,

It seems that the end of this relationship has left you unanchored, uncertain of how to move forward, but it is not clear that the solution is to channel your sexual orientation in a new direction. Just because one relationship with a woman has turned out badly surely doesn’t warrant that you should make such a radical change, particularly when there are so many other women to choose from. 

After all, if you buy a car and it turns out to be a lemon, you don’t then decide never to buy another and only use public transport. No, you learn how to make a more educated choice, learn from your experience, and use the new information when embarking on your next relationship(s).

This is not to say that you should eschew men or other queer people if you genuinely so desire. If that is where your sexual orientation takes you, so be it. If the size of the dating pool is anything to go by, you will have a better chance among straight men than queer people. However, it isn’t the size but the quality of the dating pool that counts, so having a clear idea of what you are looking for can only be helpful. 

That said, the world is full of people who have met their soulmates not by rigorous analysis and application of carefully calculated criteria, but purely by chance, so you could equally bump into your next love while at the bakery or visiting your great grandmother’s grave.

Best of luck,
JAFBaer

Dear Emma:

Thank you very much for your letter.  I am so sorry you had to go through so much trauma with your last relationship. The trauma you underwent was not only physical – which is certainly bad enough – but worse, psychological, emotional, and like most trauma, guilt-inducing.

The guilt usually comes from two factors:  

1. Wondering if you could have done better; wondering if only you were understanding enough, more demanding, less demanding, things would’ve been different. Your being a psychologist could’ve made you even more guilt-ridden; as if psychologists were supposed to be better in their personal relationships. Not so. Berating yourself for not being the perfect partner may even make your relationship go south much faster.  

Finally, if your partner has a tendency to be unconscionable or slightly delusional, she may have picked up on your vulnerability, and feel statements like “I can’t be sorry for something I don’t remember” is enough of an excuse to lie, cheat, and be violent.

2. Wondering if loving her meant you should forgive her violence, her lying, etc. simply because she herself experienced tremendous trauma. It is tempting to do so, especially if your past together was so loving and so beautiful, but no trauma (yours or hers) is reason enough for all she did to you.

It is also possible that you may have experienced abuse yourself, which could be one reason you stayed in the relationship even as her violence escalated. Dr. Jonice Miller (with Christine Musello) wrote the 2019 book Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, where she says that childhood emotional neglect is actually an absence of response. It’s not an action that your parents commit, it’s something your parents (often unknowingly) omit. Childhood emotional neglect does not happen to the child, like trauma. Instead, it’s what fails to happen for the child, such as emotional awareness, emotional validation, and emotional discussion. It is not within the column’s remit to expound on this but please write to us again should you want to explore this further.

In addition to Mr. Baer’s answer, I would like to add that, perhaps the best thing would be to pay attention to the people your heart and mind respond to and/or your soul recognizes and choose them as friends, as part of your tribe. If, among them, you are blessed enough to find someone who also stirs your loins, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, then they are the people to consider as partner/s.

All the best,
MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am eight months pregnant. This April, I found out my husband had cheated on me. I found out he created a very recent FB account, explored the conversation with the “woman,” found out that “she” calls him daddy and he calls her “baby/bb girl.” My husband is an AFP officer nearly in his 50s, and a decade older than me. I immediately confronted him and asked him to leave, which he did. 

I found out his bb was transgender. My husband was giving the transgender money for hormone replacement therapy. The trans knew everything about him, his work, that I was pregnant and working, and saw photos of him and our son. He provided all the details of what was going on with him throughout the day.

That he was unfaithful makes me furious; but that it was with a trans takes it to a whole new level of disgust. And he laughs and makes fun of colleagues with same story, even saying he would slap them.

An exchange of messages transpired between my husband and I. I said stuff that bothered me and likely hurt him. But I believed that they were our realities and things that had been left unsaid in fear of confrontation.

He only said sorry three times, never even asking for forgiveness. Just “sorry;” no “patawarin mo ako.” Worse, whenever I ridiculed him, I received the same amount of ridicule. He is not remorseful.  He just says that he would face the consequences of his actions, at times also putting the blame on me.

I am not the perfect wife or mother, but I did try. I tried building a home, took responsibility of our son while he provided financially, which was not enough. I continue to work because if I don’t, our eldest, who is diagnosed with ASD, won’t be able to go to therapy.  

When we were younger, we were active sexually. It got less active through the years. We co-sleep with our son. My husband is not very good-looking (sorry I had to be honest). I chose him because I thought there may be a lesser chance he would cheat. That wasn’t the case, though. 

 I just want to understand his psyche. Did I misjudge him all these years and never realized that he was bisexual? Please advise me. 

A scorned and betrayed wife

————————————

Dear Scorned and Betrayed (SB),

Your account makes it difficult to find any redeeming characteristics in your husband in his role as your spouse. He is unfaithful, unrepentant, disrespectful, and actually wants to blame you for his actions. In addition to failing to support you and his children adequately, he is spending what are already scarce resources on this other woman. He is therefore derelict in his duties as a husband and a father. So if it is feasible for you to leave him, I would suggest you do so. Some might urge you to stay for the good of the family. Consider however what role models as spouses and parents you are exposing your children to. Is this the type of marriage to which they should aspire? Is this the type of parent that they should aspire to be?

You have also asked about his psyche. We do not of course know him or have his account of the reasons for his behavior, but there are studies which could possibly shed some light on his actions.

In “Transamorous Misogyny: Masculinity, Heterosexuality, and Cis Men’s Sexist Desires for Trans Women,” Professor Brandon Andrew Robinson of the University of California Riverside shows “how cis heterosexual men construct their desires for trans women vis-à-vis misogyny toward cis women. That is, transamorous cis heterosexual men think trans women are better than cis women and discursively construct trans women as superior in ways that have the effect of shoring up their own cis heterosexual masculinities.” (Prof Robinson defines transamorous misogyny as “the paradoxical processes of cis heterosexual men both claiming to desire trans women while simultaneously disdaining and policing all women”). If this is correct and if this reflects your husband’s thinking, then this may help you understand both his attitude to trans women and to you as a cis heterosexual woman.

All the best,
JAFBaer

Must Read

[Two Pronged] My husband wants me to be okay with his cheating

Dear Scorned and Betrayed:

Thank you very much for your letter. When I noticed I was becoming more and more incensed at your husband (for all the reasons Mr. Baer summarized), I decided a more rational approach was the best way to help you heal.

Your husband’s bb girl being trans has such a big impact on you that I thought it best to contact three experts in this field:

1. UP Diliman Professor Jay Yacat, board member of the Pambansang Samahan sa Sikolohiyang Pilipino
2. UP Diliman Professor Beatriz Torre, co-chairperson of the LGBT Special Interest Group of the Psychological Association of the Philippines; and
3. Dr. Eric Manalastas, currently working in Oxford, UK, but who, when he was a UP Diliman professor, formulated the first LGBTQ+ psychology course at UP and taught it for ten years

All three agreed that your husband did not respect his marital vows, and cheating on you can be the most painful way any man could betray his partner.

Secondly, they underscored that your husband was having an illicit affair with another woman who just happens to be trans. In other words, a cisgender heterosexual man (whether married or single) attracted to a trans woman is not a surprise, and in fact happens quite often. If he is attracted to her as a woman, then many would still consider him a straight man.

Many married Filipino men think that being unfaithful is different if their side partner is gay or trans. These men seem to think they are not really unfaithful because their partners are not women (they are gay) or not “real women” (they are trans). In other words, “hindi tunay na babae.” To such men, infidelity with “real women” is the only thing counts as pangangaliwa.

You think the above rationalization is bullsh*t, as do I and our three experts. And while I know it is very hard to go beyond what’s happened, including his refusal to apologize or, it seems, even ACKNOWLEDGE his kawalang-hiyaan (excuse my French), should you decide to make a go of your marriage, it would be a good idea to explore if your bias against trans women might be one reasons your husband is hesitant to behave in a way that would appease you more.

If in the end you wish to consider the possibility of getting back together, it might be good to listen to where he is coming from…as he should listen to what your expectations, your hinanakits (the pain his actions and words brought through the years), and your needs are. 

Since the anger and pain is so high for you both, it might be a good idea to see a therapist, if only for a couple of sessions – someone who will help you both listen, instead of merely waiting your turn to put forth your arguments.

It will be immensely difficult, and may take a lot of time, but if you consider your marriage worth saving (though I am not necessarily saying it is), then give it your best shot, even if you have to curse him to high heavens before you do.

All the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

My name is Aron (not my real name) and I want to seek advice on how to handle my May-December relationship.

I’m currently in a relationship with a woman who is 14 years older than I. I’m 27 and she is 41. We have been dating for 11 months now. Once my parents knew of how old my partner was, they protested. They do not approve of my relationship with her due to her age and religion. Additionally, they want me to focus on my law studies. 

I made attempts to break up with her due to my parent’s disapproval, however we keep on getting back together because we cannot bear being separated. My parents, particularly my mother, tells me stories of couples she knows where the woman was older and it did not end well.

I feel happy when I’m with her. I also knew of the risks of being with a woman who was older than I, such as difficulty in having children, dominance, menopause, and looks.

I am torn between following my parent’s advice or continuing this relationship. I feel so guilty and sad because I will end up hurting my girlfriend by breaking up with her. 

Aron

—————————

Dear Aron,

Thank you for your email.

Your parents, who presumably want the best for you, oppose your relationship with your current girlfriend (let’s call her Emma) on the grounds of age and religion, and you find yourself caught between your feelings for Emma and their wishes.

You tell us nothing more about the religious issue, but if you (rather than your parents) really consider it an obstacle, then it’s something to take up with your spiritual adviser/priest/mullah etc. since faith-based questions are not within an agnostic’s remit.

The age issue is less clear-cut. Marriage where the woman is older than the man used to be rare, but in modern times it has become less so. Whatever the academic merits and the statistics, it is clear that you have considered the pros and cons of this relationship and decided that, all things being equal, you want it to continue.

However, all things are not equal since your parents are very much against it. They argue that marriages where the woman is older end badly, but that is equally the case when the couples’ ages are similar or the woman is younger. They want you to finish your studies but you have (presumably successfully?) got this far with them while in this relationship, so that objection seems to carry little or no weight either.

The question therefore is whether you wish to pursue your own happiness or your parents’ plans for you. You are 27 and old enough to make decisions for yourself rather than meekly accept instructions from others. Filial piety is one thing, but are you really going to sacrifice the possibility of long-term happiness with a loved one on the altar of a generational prejudice?

So, having evaluated the risks and found them acceptable, follow your heart and continue the relationship.

Best wishes,
JAFBaer

Must Read

[Two Pronged] I’m attracted to older women. Is that OK?

Dear Aron:

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with all that Mr. Baer says above, though I am pretty sure he (and I) would have more to say if we knew a few more things about you, things that might have a direct bearing on the success of your relationship.

For example, your relationship history. Of course, Emma’s relationship history is also important, but it is you who wrote us the letter. Thus, it is your history, your feelings, your “weak spots,” needs, passions, and joys that are most important. All these things you can think about and put in clearer perspective on your own. It is not dependent on anyone – your parents, friends, even Emma.

I do not mean “history” literally, as in how many girlfriends you had before Emma, what their ages were, etc. What is vital is how important your past relationships were to you. Were any of them as important then as your relationship with Emma is now? Did any of your past relationships make you feel as happy as your current relationship with Emma?

Happiness seems one of your reasons for considering a relationship worth keeping. Nothing at all wrong with that, as happiness is as good a reason as any. I only ask that you think more deeply about what kind of happiness you are experiencing. There is a difference between hedonistic happiness (temporary) and eudaemonic happiness (more long-lasting), and it would be helpful if you thought about what kind of happiness you have with Emma (and it could be both kinds, which would be the best option).

Personally, I feel that if you want this relationship to be worth disobeying your parents, it would have to include both kinds of happiness.

Another reason that you consider a relationship worth keeping is that you cannot bear being separated. Again, has this happened before in any of your previous relationships? Whatever your answer is might help you decide whether to continue with this relationship or not.

Then there is also your relationship with your parents. How important to you is avoiding their disapproval? Has it limited your other choices in any way? Has it deterred you from following any of your other dreams? Is this mainly one way to “appease” them, show them your love, make sure they continue to support you, be kind to them, a recognition that you have avoided terrible things in the past, etc.?

Because if avoiding their disapproval is the major factor behind rethinking your relationship with Emma, knowing the reasons for your not wanting to do so will be helpful.

Then there is your final statement: “I feel so guilty and sad because I will end up hurting my girlfriend by breaking up with her.” That is so nice of you, Aron, because no kind person would want to hurt his girlfriend. However, you must do things not merely to avoid guilt and sadness, but because you truly feel this would be what is the very best for you. This is not being selfish or self-absorbed; this is merely recognizing that you cannot be kind to other people if you cannot be kind to yourself.   

This has been my clinical experience, but now this has also been proven by research. Dr. Kristine Neff’s book Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (2015) is an excellent way to start (and alleviate any guilt and, hopefully, sadness).

Dear Aron, I realize we have not given you clear guidelines about what to do, but I hope you agree that sharing our perspectives (based mainly on research, clinical experience, good old common sense, and the integrity to tell you definitively on which among the three our statements are based) is far more important than telling you what to do. 

Please write us again if there is anything else we can do for you. 

Warmest regards,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

On the late afternoon of April 26, what started out as an ordinary day for Fritz and Sheine took a surprising turn when they stumbled upon a lost piece of jewelry in a coffee shop in Marikina City.

In an interview with Rappler, Fritz said he spotted the ring lying on the ground. “We met with our tailor kasi nagpapagawa kami ng coats namin. And then, while we were having coffee, nakita ko sa may paanan ko ‘yung ring,” he narrated.

(We met with our tailor that day because we scheduled a fitting for our custom-made coats. And then, while we were having coffee, I saw the ring on the ground.)

“When we got the ring, we had goosebumps seeing that the ring had the engraved date – 1969.” They immediately realized the value that this ring holds to the person who might have misplaced it. 

The couple came to a consensus to post about the discovered ring on social media. Fritz took the initiative of uploading it on his personal Facebook account, while Sheine shared it across various Facebook groups.

Since they found the ring in SM Marikina, she decided to share the post to geographic community groups on Facebook, thinking that the owner could be residing in the surrounding areas – Marikina City, Montalban, Pasig City, Cainta, Taytay, or Antipolo. 

Having been married just recently, Sheine also considered sharing the post to groups for bridal suppliers on Facebook. She recalled staying up until 1 am trying to look for possible leads. 

As they went about spreading the post, social media users started making claims to the ring in the comments section. Some comments also suggested that they contact the coffee shop where they found the ring as this may provide more details for the search. However, the establishment was unresponsive. 

Message from April

Although they had planned to return to the shop the following day, they were fortunate enough to receive a message from a certain April, among the numerous responses they received.

April introduced herself as the daughter-in-law of the ring owner, Letty. She provided intricate details about the ring that only the rightful owner would know. She was also able to send a photo of Letty’s receipt to the coffee shop during her visit on April 26, as she was told by the staff to keep the receipt for access to the restroom. 

The couple arranged to meet Letty the following day at the same location where the ring was found. “We were excited to meet her and hear her insights from the 54 years’ worth of marriage,” Sheine said. 

Letty sealed her ownership of the lost jewelry by presenting the partner of the ring. Apparently, the lost ring, which is engraved with the name “Letty,” belonged to her late husband, while her own ring has her husband’s name (Avel) on it. 

She wears her own ring on a necklace as it wouldn’t fit her finger anymore, and then she wears her husband’s ring with a stopper on top to prevent it from slipping off. While washing her hands that day, she was unaware that her ring had slipped off her finger. Thankfully, it fell into the hands of Fritz and Sheine who were persistent and kind enough to look for her.

During their meetup, Letty also recalled that her neighbors actually saw Fritz’ post and jokingly talked about this certain “Letty” who lost her ring. “Ako pala ‘yun, ako pala ‘yung nakawala nung singsing.” (I didn’t realize it was me. I was the one who lost a ring.)

She shared to the couple that it was the first time she lost the ring since her husband’s passing. 

Letty was vibrant and energetic as described by the couple. They were deeply moved when she even let them wear both her ring and Avel’s ring. To their surprise, the rings fit them perfectly, especially Sheine, who has a very specific ring size. “Walang ring na kumakasya sa akin. May specific size lang talaga. (There is only a specific ring size that fit my finger perfectly.),” she told Rappler. 

Newfound relationship

The recovery of the lost ring sparked a newfound relationship between Letty and the couple. They spent more time with Letty over dinner, together with April, her daughter-in-law, and three more family members who accompanied her during the meetup. 

“We treated her to dinner because we didn’t want the conversation to end. We had a good time talking with one another. She was able to share her personal life, including her husband’s,” Sheine said. 

After the couple made another social media post bearing the news that they already found Letty, the comments section got flooded with replies saying that they knew her. Some of them even recollected their memories as former students of Letty.

The couple did not expect that their post would gain as much attention as it did. This also made them realize that people are good by nature. “I think nature naman ng tao na maging mabuti. Minsan forced lang ng circumstances kaya hindi nakakagawa ng maganda,” Fritz said.

(I think people are good by nature. There are just circumstances that force some to be involved in bad situations.)

“If given the chance, people really want to help. We were just instruments for other people to also step up and help,” Sheine added.

Fritz also said that stories might just be of general interest to Filipinos. “Tayong mga Pilipino mahilig tayo sa mga telenovela, love stories. Siguro gusto nilang malaman ‘yung kwento kung bakit nawala ‘yung singsing.”

(Filipinos have great interest in stories. Perhaps they were eager to know how the owner lost the ring or the story of the ring.)

On a more personal note, the couple also shared how this unexpected encounter with Letty prompted them to reflect on their own marriage. “As we drove home, we were talking. Ganito pala ang itsura ng wedding ring na 54 years old. (So, this is how a 54-year-old wedding ring looks like.),” Sheine shared.

It was not the first time that they were given an opportunity to help. Sheine shared that a few months back, they rescued a dog who got lost on its way back home after following its owner to work.

They took care of the dog for a couple of days, while they searched for the owner using social media. Had they not been fortunate enough to find the dog owner, Sheine said they would have decided to permanently adopt the dog. However, it appears that the the power of social media has not let them down.

‘Bayanihan’

They consider both happenings as a display of “collective effort” that Filipinos exhibit during times of need.

“For us, Nanay Letty’s ring is just a symbol of things that are lost that can be found, as long as we have the heart to help…,” the couple said. They are amazed by how many people are determined to help a person they do not even know.

“People can be heroes in their own ways. They think that doing great things or grandiose things would make you a hero, but your simple act of sharing or spreading of a certain post, of a thing that’s missing, some people would think it’s inconsequential, but it’s a big thing, it creates a huge impact,” Sheine stated. 

Fritz was amazed by how social media provided a platform for Filipinos to showcase a sense of bayanihan, or community cooperation, and how the online community came together to help with the search for the owner of the lost ring. “Ang galing ng power ng social media. Grabe ‘yung naging reception ng tao…. Malaki ‘yung potential niya na makatulong,” he said.

(I am amazed at how people responded to the post. This happening underscored the significant impact of social media, which has huge potential to help individuals in need.)

He also added, “‘Yung social media naman alam naman natin na…maraming pwedeng magawang mabuti…. Pwede siyang maging positive, pwede rin siyang maging negative. In our case, nagamit namin siya to find the rightful owner of the ring.“

(We all know that social media is a double-edged sword, capable of creating both positive and negative outcomes. In this particular case, we were able to use social media for good by successfully locating and returning the lost ring to its rightful owner.) – Rappler.com 

How can you be more responsible on social media? Here are some tips

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I am 40+ years old, with two kids, and have been separated from my partner (not legally) for 21 years.

I have been in and out of several relationships since. Every guy that I have been involved with is either now married happily or at at least in a stable relationship with the person they dated after me.

So am I that “muse” that they need to experience first in order to get into that “better” relationship? I hope not. But it’s something that my friends would “marites” about.

When I date someone, I tell them that I only have three dealbreakers – if they lie to me, if they hurt me, or if they cheat on me. Well, they all did either of these, after 1-3 years of me being with them.

Sex, I think, is not an issue (I’m a Scorpio) as I sometimes get text messages from an ex/exes asking for “one last dance.” Ulol nila! Pardon my French.

My positive traits, according to my friends, are that I am loyal, I know how to commit, I know how to compromise, and I am trustworthy – and I make the best baked mac.

My negative trait, according to one of my ex-boyfriends, is that I “tend to be perfect” and don’t know how to forgive and forget.

That’s partly true. Or maybe just true.

Does that mean I won’t ever get to have that steady relationship?

Your advice, please. The last time I was in a relationship was in 2019.

Today, I actually met this wonderful guy (he’s a Leo), but I am hesitant to be romantically involved with him as I might end up as his “muse” again and he finds his “happily ever after” after me.

Rose

Must Read

[Two Pronged] I keep falling in love with men who are walking red flags

Dear Rose,

Thank you for your email.

You have analyzed your past experience and concluded that your three dealbreakers make it unlikely any relationship will last the course.

However you also believe that one of your positive traits is a willingness to compromise, which some might think a contradiction!

Perhaps instead of concentrating on yourself, it would be more helpful to spend time thinking about the characteristics of a potential partner. You list the negatives (lying, cheating, hurting) but say nothing about your ideal positives in a future boyfriend. This is definitely worth some reflection, particularly if in fact all your past choices have gone on to have greater success with your replacement.

Bear in mind, also, that if you worry about being what you call a “muse,” then it would be helpful to consider what, if anything, you can do to minimize the chance of this happening again, remembering that you can change yourself far more easily than you can change others. Some self-modifications plus a clearer idea of what you truly want in a partner may prove the key to future success.

Best of luck,
JAFBaer

Dear Rose:

Thank you very much for your letter.

First, I do not think your three conditions – honesty, non-violence, and fidelity – are too much at all. For a deep relationship, these three are vital. In fact, your three conditions – not to lie, not to physically hurt me, and not to be unfaithful – are much easier to meet when expressed as negatives. Not to lie could mean not actually verbalizing untruths, but being economical with the truth e.g. keeping secrets from you that you have a right to know. Not to hurt you could mean simply mean not being physically abusive, but what about emotional and/or verbal abuse which can oftentimes be disguised as mere teasing or “joking?” Not being unfaithful could again mean merely physical infidelity, but what about emotional cheating – would that be okay? And being physical with someone else but not including penetration?

No, your conditions are not onerous at all, and if any of your previous partners broke any of those conditions, in my opinion, you were right to get rid of them.

As for their wanting “one last dance” even after you have broken up, you are absolutely right: ulol sila (they’re nuts)! Relating to an ex intimately, whether physically or not, would be “ulol-ie.”

Maybe you could consider whether some of your behavior could also be ulol-ie. For example, knowing the relationship status of your exes, hypothesizing whether you were merely the muse to jumpstart their next (serious) relationship, and now even hesitating to get into another potentially serious relationship because you don’t want to end up merely a muse because of what’s happened in the past.

All these exes are, well, exes, Rose, and you need to consider them as exes in every way. Not only never sleeping with them again, but also not allowing them to take up a lot of your time and energy wondering if (or wondering why).

Mr. Baer has suggested ways to diminish the probability of your next relationship winding up like all the others. I agree with all of them. 

Perhaps the only thing I might add is that, in the same manner that many things on social media are not as wonderful as they seem,  the relationships your exes have with someone after you are not necessarily what they seem.  

Yes, your exes may have “improved” after being with you, and there may be three possibilities (among many others) for this: 1) Their next partner’s dealbreakers may be easier for your exes to live with; 2) Said partners may be willing to put up with more; or, indeed, 3) Your exes may be better partner material now, for a variety of reasons. 

So be it. With any luck, you too will find a better partner and possibly be a better partner yourself in the future. 

Hoping that is exactly what happens,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.

There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.

What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships, and swinging.

These relationships are often stigmatized and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.

Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.

Misconceptions and stigma

One stigmatizing view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful, partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.

In healthy relationships, partners recognize that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfill all their sexual desires.

Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.

Must Read

[OPINION] Polyamory and the nuances of having multiple partners

Exploring non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent, and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.

If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.

1. Communicate openly

Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations, and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.

2. Practice safe sex

Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimize the risk of transmission.

3. Stop shame

Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialized to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognize that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.

While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent, and respect at the heart of your partnership. – The Conversation|Rappler.com

Chantal Gautier is a Lecturer and Sex Therapist, University of Westminster.

This piece was originally published in The Conversation.